Yesterday and Tomorrow and Forever
by Will Peterson
Summary: As they move to Russia to prepare for the next competitive season, Yuri and Victor are both deep in thought about the future. So much of their lives were built upon the ice, they're unsure who they will be once their time as skaters eventually reaches its finale. They long to say their love will remain, even in the endless years beyond what they can see.


_Author's Note: This piece was basically made in reaction to the episode 12 finale. In fact, I wanted to upload this last December, almost immediately after that episode aired, while the feelings I felt toward the episode and the show were still fresh in my mind. But . . . uh . . . to make a long story short, this got very much delayed._

 _Oh well. Better late than never._

 _Anyway, here are the thoughts going through Yuri and Victor's minds as they begin their life together in Russia before the next competitive season. First Yuri's, then Victor's, and then both together. To be clear, they're not talking to each other here. Each is having his own inner monologue._

 _As always, thank you for reading._

* * *

 **Yesterday and Tomorrow and Forever**

-Yuri Katsuki

 _-Victor Nikiforov_

It's happening now. I'm moving to St. Petersburg with Victor. I'm going to prepare for the next season by practicing in Victor's home rink.

I'm actually having a hard time sorting through how I feel. Of course, there is happiness. Getting to spend this much time with Victor is an old dream come to life. And there's the warmth I feel when I'm around him, the feeling that I've decided to call love.

But I can't help it. This bright and powerful joy is colored by shades of grief as well.

You'd think that someone like me, who has traveled a lot for competitions, wouldn't find this so frightening. But this is a new level of distance. Distance, meaning not just the span of land and sea between nations, but also the distance away from my old life.

I guess a little homesickness is natural. But this . . . I feel more than just a little homesick. I feel like I'm gambling everything on one more year. Is this how Victor felt when he first came to Japan to train me, a near stranger? I fear disappointing him.

I don't want to kiss it unless it's gold, Victor said to me. Last December. Argh, was that a joke? Was it a challenge? Some twisted form of encouragement? Even if it was a joke, the words ring in my head. I can't help but feel that I'm going to lose him if I don't win. If I can't do everything that he asks.

Victor. He was on the verge of sacrificing everything. He packed up all his belongings in cardboard boxes and moved to a different country for me. He nearly abandoned his career for me – he would have, if I'd let him. And he's going back to skating now, but after taking a year off, it's going to be tough for him to return. All this, for me. He's sacrificed so much for me. I couldn't live with myself if I failed to win for him now.

He probably doesn't even know that I feel this way. We've always talked to each other through skating. Every story seems to get easier to tell on the ice.

I'll skate for as long as I can, because I want to stay with him and never leave. But I can't possibly skate forever. So I'm afraid. I fear that Victor will leave me when my skating is over.

How good can I make it while it lasts? When I was younger, I never would have imagined that Victor would move this close to me – or that I would move so close to him.

Can I skate on the same ice as a living legend? Can I meet him as an equal? Can I surpass him in skill? I used to ask these questions to myself, when I was alone and feeling daring. Now I'm with him, and we both ask these questions. I think our bond was built on both of us asking these questions of myself.

Even if I surpass Victor someday – and I do intend to, because I don't think I've quite done it yet – I'll still admire him. Because he'll always be the reason I went that far in the first place.

All along, I possessed such deep and abiding love sleeping within me. The emotions were so strong that I hardly wanted to acknowledge them, as if afraid they would overwhelm me. But Victor saw them. And he knew I could handle them. He saw that potential in me. He brought out the strength of my love when no one else could.

My devotion expressed itself on the ice. Because of Victor, last year I was able to skate in a way that I never had before. He pushed me to a higher level. And he made me fall in love with skating all over again.

That "Yuri on Ice" free skate routine that we created together – nobody adores it as much as I do. Decades from now when I'm old and grey and memories are fading, I'll still remember it as the dance that best embodies our love.

My heart beats now with more love than ever. And it's not just in skating. My whole life has changed. My eyes have opened. All the affection that I hold for my family, my friends, my hometown - I can feel them so clearly. They're as crisp and clean as the winter air.

These feelings have been inside me all my life, but Victor was the one who made me finally realize them. There is so much in my life that I hold dear. And Victor is at the center of them all.

I don't know how I could begin to thank him.

Does he feel the same way that I do, when he sees the matching gold rings that we wear on our fingers? Does the rush of emotions all come flooding into him, too? Those rings . . . In my head I'm still calling them good luck charms, or tokens of gratitude, a reminder of the gold medal I've yet to win for us . . . My heart knows what they really are, but . . . the words . . . are hard to confess, even to myself.

I only hope that Victor is following his heart when he follows me.

Because that's just how it feels for me: I'm following my heart when I follow him.

Will I feel at home even though I'm moving to St. Petersburg? Will I grow to like the place? Victor was in a similar situation once, and he seemed pretty cozy in Japan, or at least he appeared that way.

No, he didn't just appear that way. I think he really was that way. Because he must have discovered the same truth I did: as long as we're together, anyplace will feel like home. Long into the future when all this is over, maybe, maybe, maybe I will still feel like home to him.

When it comes down to it, will I really find it so different here in Russia? I'll be devoting every day to training on the ice. Skating, and also running and dancing and eating unrewarding food so that I can go and skate again. Dreaming about pork cutlet bowls and a gold medal. It's pretty much the life I've always known.

Except, now my life is with Victor. Oh, Victor, who has only made my dreams and desires all the more searing.

...

 _Surprise, surprise. It seems that I'm returning to the country of my birth after all._

 _Last year when I dropped everything to fly to Japan and meet Yuri, I wasn't sure if I would ever come back here. Somewhere in my head, there was a part of me that thought I could very well be leaving Russia for good, just to be with him . . . not that I gave it much thought at all._

 _And now Yuri is moving to St. Petersburg to be with me. We'll live together in my apartment. We'll train together in the rink where I grew up. Is this my life, moving closer to heaven?_

 _Ah, so close, but it's not quite heaven. Being with Yuri is heavenly, but I won't know if it's true heaven until I know if it will last._

 _Last year he was already considering retirement. Actually, he also considered it the year before last. And now, this year, he's again thinking about it. He thinks every year is his final year. I would find it amusing, except I'm honestly not sure which year will truly be the conclusion._

 _Yuri keeps acting as if we're running out of time together. I don't believe it, but it's hard to avoid feeling the same way he does. Our hearts keep fusing together . . ._

 _Stay with me in competitive figure skating for one more year, Yuri said to me. One more year. And be my coach until the end._

" _That sounded like a marriage proposal," I said._

" _I hope you never retire," I said._

 _I made those wishes aloud. But is he listening? I'm trying to see what's in his mind, and I'm not sure if his mind is looking past the one year._

 _Our relationship has always been based on skating, has it not? We started out as coach and student. No, we started as competitors two seasons ago at his first GPF. No, even earlier than that. We started when I was a skating teen idol and he was a young boy watching me on TV._

 _Skating is our language. It's the way we communicate. I can think of no better place than the rink to release the music of one's soul. But I wonder if this is not enough. I wonder if we need other ways to express ourselves._

 _We know how we feel about each other. We know it because we_ feel _it. But it's still so hard to talk about it. For some reason, I can't bring myself to sit down and lay out my feelings in definite words. Yuri must have the same issue, doesn't he? That's why our conversations are the way that they are. We speak on the ice instead of on our lips._

 _I suppose this is the price I pay for neglecting life and love for twenty years. I've been hiding myself from others for so long that when I finally want to share my deepest self with another, I find myself unable._

 _What words could I even use to tell him? The sweetest melody could not express the depth of my love for him. The loveliest dance could not fully express the beauty he represents in my world._

 _And how does Yuri feel? That's the question ever on my mind._

 _I fear that Yuri will leave me when our skating is over. Not because I'd want it. I would never want him to leave. But maybe he'll be the one to push me away. He'll say things like "you don't want to stay with a washed-up person like me" and then leave, thinking that he's being selfless. Thinking that he's setting me free._

 _He doesn't like to talk about it, but Yuri has his insecurities. An anxious voice in his head, constantly telling him that he's not good enough. That he's dragging me down. It causes him to doubt that my interest in him will last._

 _I've been trying my best to show him how much I feel for him. I've been trying to tell him. But I've realized that one conversation cannot convince him. Not even my tears can convince him. Not when he's been living with this doubtful voice for nearly his whole life. Since I cannot make him realize, I have no choice but to wait for Yuri to make that realization on his own._

 _I thought we might part ways at the end of last year, but then one year became another. And I pray that this year leads into another one, and so on._

 _Even when the inevitable retirement takes away our current purpose in life, even when we can no longer be coach and student but must build our relationship on something else, I long for us to stay together still._

 _We both want to spend our whole lives together. We can't live without each other. We never want to part. I will wait for however long it takes, hoping that someday, we'll be able to say the words that are so hard to reach right now. We'll be able to say aloud the feelings that we already show when we skate._

 _Well, that's the future. Perhaps I should think about the present, for a bit. I'm going back to competitive skating this year. Or should I say – a new me is entering competitive skating this year._

 _Because I feel like a changed man this season. I'm a man who has met love, tasted love, filled up with love. Honestly, pieces of me, like my legs and the line of my hair, are telling me that I'm getting too old for this. The sands of time are slipping down the hourglass. But I don't want to retire yet. Not until I've had the chance to discover what my skating will be like, now that I have things I never had in previous seasons: the life and love I've experienced thanks to Yuri._

 _My skating has the potential to be incredible this year. Even more than before! He makes me want to push myself higher than I ever thought possible._

 _And to think, not so long ago, I thought I was dried out of inspiration. I believed I was as good as dying. Yuri, you have not only sparked my love for you, but you have also revived my love of the ice._

 _You are so inspiring. I know I'm not the only one who got my two L-words from you, but I believe I'm the one who feels your influence the most deeply. I'm the one who's most dazzled by your starlight. And you don't even realize it, do you? I wish to spend the rest of my days showing you that truth._

 _If you were to stay in my life, then that would be the kind of life I'd want to keep forever._

I dream . . . I dream of a first-place victory.

 _I dream . . . We dream of a wedding._

I long for the gold. I long for the kiss. I long for his heart.

 _I long to tie myself to him forever. And I know to the core of my soul, he feels the same way about me._

Let's stay together.

 _I'm not ready to part. I never will be._

END


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